knowing vs understanding

Knowing is the state of being aware or informed. Understanding is the ability to understand something; comprehension. Most of the time, these two nouns go hand in hand; if you know something, the chances are you most likely understand it. But not always.

There are circumstances when they don’t go hand in hand, and in 18 years, I’ve experienced it a lot. A lot of people know about my selective mutism, they know I don’t always speak. But they don’t always understand it. And I guess you could say that I used to be one of those people too, but so could everyone.

To know of selective mutism is to be aware that someone speaks in selective situations and with selective people, but in other selective situations and with selective people, that same person is unable to speak. To understand selective mutism is to know it isn’t a choice, is to know how to help someone who experiences it, to know how to react if they do go mute. I could easily go on for hours on how different these two nouns are, how much I’ve experienced the difference, how much I’ve seen that they don’t always go on hand in hand. But there's a particular experience between them both that stands out the most to me: someone knowing I have selective mutism, but expect me to talk all the time, expect me to not go nonverbal. And when I do? There's laughter and comments about it, cause how dare someone with selective mutism go nonverbal. maybe sometimes I'll laugh along, but its either that or crying, or fleeing the situation, which most of the time is what I want to do the most but I feel stuck in position, unable to move.

The few limited amount of people in my life who actually understand it, are the ones I’m the most closest with, are the ones who I feel the most safe with, are the ones I’m the most talkative with. Because I know, even if I do go mute, I’ll still feel safe, they’ll still know how to communicate with me, they’ll still know how to help me. Instead of just laughing and getting mad. they know how to calm me down from high levels of anxiety, where I’ll go mute and completely shut down. Even if they aren’t with me in person.

Knowing and understanding are two complete different nouns. when I was a lot younger, I probably didn’t know what the definitions of those two words were, but I saw the difference in how people treated me. Knowing includes people ignoring me because they don’t know how to talk to someone who is mute, leading to feelings of isolation feeling around so many. Understanding includes being involved. understanding includes having a voice, even when I’m mute.

When I only knew of the condition but didn’t understand it, I was scared, confused, isolated. I didn’t understand it at all. How could I be in a classroom with so many other children who are all talking and being loud, and I’m just there, unable to talk. But what I did understand was that every ‘professional’ was wrong about it. I wasn’t rude, or shy, or that i’d grow out of it. I knew that. I understood that. I understand why as a 5/6 year old why i wanted to be a ‘library girl’ as my dream job instead of being a doctor, or an olympian, or a vet. I understand all that. But as much as I understood all of that and I understood that it wasn’t a choice, I still get annoyed at myself for it. I can talk, so why can’t I always talk. I understand that it has a name - selective mutism - but I’ll never understand why it happens. But I guess it isn’t misunderstanding, but rather unaccepting and disappointed in myself.